The Silence After : Why We Don't Know How to Talk About Death and Dying
- Anna Ciboro
- 3 days ago
- 2 min read
"68% of Americans say they would feel uncomfortable discussing death with a loved one, yet 92% say they would want to know their family's end-of-life wishes."
— The Conversation Project, 2024
We live in a culture that celebrates milestone moments: birthdays, graduations, weddings, retirements. We have greeting cards, party planners, and Instagram-worthy templates for every celebration.
But when it comes to the one experience every single person will face, we go silent.
Death remains the last taboo. And that silence costs us more than we realize.
The comfort gap in death and dying
Think about the last time someone you know experienced a loss.
Did you reach out immediately, or did you hesitate?
Did you send a thoughtful message, or did you settle for a heart emoji because you
couldn't find the right words?
You're not alone.
Research shows that most people actively avoid conversations about death and dying—not because they don't care, but because they're terrified of saying the wrong thing. So instead of risking discomfort, we say nothing at all.
The result? Grieving people feel isolated at the exact moment they need connection most. And families miss crucial opportunities to honor their loved ones' wishes because the conversation never happened.
The psychology of avoidance
Psychologists call this phenomenon "death anxiety"—a deep-seated discomfort that causes us to avoid anything that reminds us of our own mortality. When someone we know is grieving, their pain becomes a mirror reflecting our own fears back at us.
Studies from the American Psychological Association show that this avoidance isn't malicious—it's protective. Our brains are wired to shield us from existential dread. But that self-protection comes at the cost of connection with the people who need us most.
The cruel irony: the grieving person often ends up comforting everyone else, managing other people's discomfort while drowning in their own.
"The most meaningful support often comes not from eloquent speeches, but from the simple willingness to be present in someone's pain."
Breaking the silence starts small
We don't need to become experts in grief counseling to make a difference. We need to become comfortable with discomfort. That means asking the questions we've been avoiding, starting the conversations that feel awkward, and sitting with people in their pain without trying to fix it.
It means saying your loved one's name even when others have stopped. It means checking in at month three, month six, year two—when everyone else has moved on but the grief hasn't.
Research consistently shows that the phrase "I don't know what to say, but I'm here" is more powerful than silence.
Showing up imperfectly beats not showing up at all.
A new kind of conversation
At Memorial Tribute Legacy, we believe that honoring the dead begins with how we talk about death among the living. Every memorial is, at its heart, a conversation: between the past and present, between loss and love, between grief and healing.
The silence around death isn't protecting us. It's isolating us. And the only way through is together.
If you've been putting off that conversation with a loved one, today is the day. If you've been avoiding reaching out to someone who's grieving, your imperfect words are better than silence.
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