The Permission to Grieve: Why We Tell Ourselves to "Stay Strong"

What happens when the mask comes off?

The "Stay Strong" myth

Somewhere along the way, we decided that strength means suppression. That the "right" way to grieve is to hold it together in public, save the tears for private moments, and get back to normal as quickly as possible.

Grief researchers have found the opposite is true. Suppressed grief doesn't disappear—it compounds. It shows up as insomnia, anxiety, physical illness, and a lingering sense that something is wrong you can't quite name.

The pressure to perform strength isn't just exhausting. It's actively harmful. And the effects don't always show up immediately; many people experience what's known as the second wave of grief, where the full weight of loss hits months after everyone else has moved on.

The cost of "Keeping It Together"

A landmark study from Harvard's Department of Psychology found that people who suppressed their grief symptoms experienced 40% higher rates of depression two years after their loss compared to those who allowed themselves to grieve openly.

The body keeps score. When we tell ourselves to push through, the grief doesn't go anywhere. It just waits.

And the pressure is relentless. Bereavement leave averages just three days in the United States. Employers expect productivity. Friends expect progress. The message is clear: your grief is inconvenient, so please wrap it up.

Beyond the emotional toll, there's a financial one too. Between lost productivity, medical costs from suppressed grief, and the mental load of managing loss while maintaining life, researchers have documented what's called the grief tax—a hidden cost that compounds when we don't give ourselves space to heal.

The things we say

Listen to the language we use around grief:

"You're handling this so well." "I don't know how you do it." "You're being so brave."

We mean these as compliments. But to a grieving person, they can sound like expectations, pressure to maintain a performance they never signed up for.

What if instead we said: "You don't have to hold it together around me." "It's okay to not be okay." "I'm here for the mess, not just the progress."

Grief is love with nowhere to go

Grief isn't a problem to be solved or a weakness to be hidden. It's the natural cost of loving someone deeply.

When we give ourselves permission to grieve, without apology, without performance, without a timeline imposed by anyone else,we honor both the person we lost and our own humanity.

How to give yourself permission to grieve

1. Reject the timeline. There's no "right" amount of time. Grief doesn't follow a schedule, and healing isn't linear. If you're six months out and feeling worse, not better, you're not broken—you may be experiencing the second wave.

2. Find your people. Not everyone can hold space for grief. Find the ones who can sit with you in the mess without trying to fix it.

3. Create space to remember. A digital memorial gives you a permanent place to honor your loved one—somewhere to return when you need to feel close to them again. Learn more about how to create a digital memorial that grows with your family over time.

4. Let the grief move. Write, walk, cry, create. Grief that moves through you is grief that eventually transforms.

5. Ask for help. Grief support groups, counselors, and grief-informed therapists exist for a reason. Using them isn't weakness—it's wisdom. And if the hidden costs of grief are adding up, know that investing in support now often costs less than the long-term toll of pushing through alone.

Your permission slip

If you've been white-knuckling your way through loss, consider this your permission to grieve.

You don't have to stay strong. You don't have to be brave. You don't have to protect everyone else from your pain.

You just have to stay alive to the process—and give yourself the same compassion you'd offer anyone else walking this road.